A man and his cheating mind

He cheated on you, you found out, caught him red handed! To prove to yourself just how depressed you are, you’ve been out binge drinking all night, snugged three random guys who weren’t your type, attempted to French kiss and then hump your girl friend with your dildo from behind (in fact you are so groggy right now, you don’t know angry she is and coming to think about it, where’s your damn mobile phone?). With a severely sore head, you ferociously throw the curtains shut to prevent the sunlight and you go back to sleep. At this point your tears are burning the pillow; the furnace is blazing hot, similar to the bleed in your heart. But why did he do it? Your version of events leaves him unforgivably dumped, and you come out smelling of roses, but let’s hear what he has to say!

She is the bunny boiler from hell! She is obsessed with everything I do, everywhere I go and everyone I see. She lives in my pocket and wants to know every last detail of my day including when I coughed, ate lunch and did a number 2 in the gentlemen’s! I love her to bits and want to spend the rest of my life with her but I met this girl who didn’t care what I was up to in intricate detail. All that mattered was the bigger picture. Suddenly I felt relaxed and I could breathe. It was so refreshing that one thing led to another. It was a mistake which I will never make again. I love my girl but will she trust me, let me be a man, let me live my life, let me miss her enough to enjoy running home to her?

She is the Virgin Mary personified! When I met her she wore black skin tight leather trousers with heels that ‘rhythmed’ with the floor to the beat of this R&B tune on my mind. Her walk was sexy! When she cooked me dinner for the first time my stomach became the passage to my heart and when we spent the night together, we never slept if you know what I mean. Following on from that my apartment no longer had my towels on the bathroom floor and on my centre piece, lives a cream vase carrying a dozen cream carnations that match my cream curtains. She is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, but for one problem. As soon as the relationship conquered the initial stage of impressing each other, she lost her ability to be sexy. She waltzes round the apartment lazily in my old rumpled t-shirt which she pulls out the washing machine. The carnations are still in place unfailingly every week, so are the elaborate meals (in fact my beer belly is no longer down to beer), but when we get to the bedroom it’s the same old routine with the light off! Sex does not rule our relationship, love does but when I went out and met this stranger in the coffee bar, yep, you guessed it - one thing led to another. Do I love this stranger? No! She reminded me of what I saw in my girl the first time I met her. Who do I want to be with? My girl of course! Despite the shortcomings I love who she is.

She is obsessed with equality! She reminds me every day that a woman can be a singer, engineer, doctor, lawyer, stripper, architect, and janitor, anything a man can be. Problem? She is so fanatical about this concept that she forgets to let me be the man in the relationship. I love her but need the respect of a woman who understands that a man is the captain of the ship. So I went out and this woman absolutely adored my views, worshipped the ground I walked on and told me what a big, strong man I was. She said she felt small and vulnerable in my arms. The rest of the night is history. What do I want? I still want my girl but I am worried that she will drive me crazy.

While some of these scenarios make men look like selfish bastards and might even be construed disrespectful to women, the truth is that what a man needs is a well-rounded woman. This woman can be anything at the drop of a hat. She is down to earth and a domestic goddess, she will walk around in your rumpled t-shirt and look scruffy but strangely appealing, yet when you take her out she scrubs up good and your friends gawk at her. Underneath her dinner dress is some sizzling hot lingerie and yet on the kitchen hob is your favourite meal waiting to be served on demand. She worships the ground you walk on and will indulge you in ‘69’ on request but she is no fool for you and will make you work for all she has to give because she knows her worth. She will obey your every word but not without gently massaging her opinion into your rules (she sneaks it up on you perfectly. Its done so flawlessly you can’t help but love her). She is beautiful, classy and what’s more she bears or cannot wait to bear your children. While it is impossible to attain such perfection, keeping our men ‘zipped up’ is not totally outside our abilities as women. In certain situations a man cheats because it seems to be part of his genetic make up and no attainment of the label – ‘well rounded woman’ will keep his roaming eyes fixated on you (and in those cases what you do with your relationship depends on how strongly you feel about the issue. Women’s views differ!).

So some of them have no excuse for this hurtful behaviour but in the event that they come up with some ‘justification’ for their short comings, striking a balance between being their life-size doll and being human is not easy, however, here’s the a.b.c guide to being his perfect woman in his opinion - do the domestics with a smiling face, cook his food with love (light a candle at the dinner table occasionally), wear lingerie, or wear nothing at all, give him a blow job, let him have his wicked way with you, play the innocent ‘I-only-know-the-missionary-position’ type and be good at it (some men like their women free of ‘filth’!), be familiar with the names of the players of his favourite football team, score points by commenting on the politics show, watch the gadget show or top gear with him, if he says he’ll be back at midnight and its now 10 past, resist the urge to leave him 20 messages on his voice mail (and upon his return, let your ‘where have you been?’ sound more blasé than ‘I have been hyperventilating with fury!’), get down on your knees and scrub the kitchen floor and spend a dedicated amount of time massaging his ego! Does anyone know any such woman? It sounds like perfection to me and we all know perfection is pretty unfeasible a concept. Is there hope that men will ever stop cheating? Who knows? For now just follow the a.b.c guide to the best of your ability. Leave the rest to destiny, after all you went into the relationship with your eyes open – you can only do your best and in love there are no guarantees!

Good luck
;-) Sally

© 2007